


Seeing Him

by Rakshi



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-08 00:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1919631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakshi/pseuds/Rakshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Should he see him? Shouldn't he? And what will happen if he does, to both his marriage and to his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seeing Him

**Author's Note:**

> My version of what transpired between them at 'Fantasy Con'... and the reason why Elijah was so late showing up for his DJ gig. Lots of angst in this one... so be warned.

  


"Are you going to see him?"

"I don't know, Chris. I suppose so. Nothing's been confirmed yet." Sean sighed in exasperation. "I've told you all I know about 15 times. What more do you want from me?"

His wife made no reply but her gaze was stony cold.

"Chris, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just not sure what you want me to say."

"Sean, I think you know very well what I want you to say. And the fact that you _claim_ not to know only makes me more upset. What do I want you to SAY?" She shook her head and turned away.

"Yes!" Sean acknowledged to her retreating back. "Yes, I'll probably see him." His voice was weary. They'd covered this ground so many times that the thought of discussing it again filled him with a profound sorrow.

Christine turned back and stood in silence staring at him. Her accusatory stare battered Sean like a blow.

"That _doesn't_ mean I'm going to pile into bed with him!"

"No," she replied, her voice carrying the weight of her own sadness and deep distrust. "Only that you'll WANT to, but will nobly restrain yourself like the self-righteous boy-scout you are."

"So now I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't?" Sean countered mildly. "If I sleep with him I'm a bastard and if I don't I'm simply phony and pretentious?"

Christine made no response.

"Chris, there's no..."

"Please," she interrupted, hand lifting as if to ward off a blow. "Please spare me your indignant denials, Sean, because I really don't want to hear them." As she turned and walked toward the door her voice drifted back to him. "Don't insult my intelligence by asking me to trust you where Elijah Wood is concerned." 

Sean stared silently after her. What could he say? She was right, of course, and he felt the truth of her suspicions in every fiber of his being. The very thought that he might see Elijah tightened his chest and sent his heart racing. How could she not doubt him? Hell, he doubted himself!

 _Will he even want to see me?_ Sean wondered. _God, nothing's ever been simple with he and I._

He knew he had no one but himself to blame. He had spent years wavering between his commitment to his marriage and his overpowering love for Elijah until finally Elijah and Christine had both had enough. Now Elijah turned away from his advances and Christine's mistrust of him had become a poison which was slowly killing their marriage from the inside.

 _I've screwed everything up,_ he mourned silently.

He stood staring down at his cell phone for a long moment, then grabbed it and tapped in a text message:

> "Want so badly to see you but I'm scared of your reaction. Please help me."

In less than a minute he received his response:

> "I'm the one who should be scared, not you. Sorry. Can't help you on this one, Seanie."

Sean sighed and hesitated for a moment before typing slowly:

> "Will you see me when I come for the con this weekend?"

This time the response took longer:

> "I suppose so. I'll be DJing in a public place so if you're there I'll probably see you."

Sean immediately typed:

> "That's not what I meant and you know it. Can I please see you alone?"

Long minutes passed, then:

> "That's different. Don't know. Need to think."

Sean sighed and sat the phone down. He didn't blame Elijah anymore than he blamed Christine. He blamed only himself. "I couldn't ," he whispered. "I couldn't choose. I couldn't find the strength to leave either of them or commit to either of them. I was so afraid of hurting the people I love that I lost the people I love."

He kept his phone close for the rest of that day, but he heard nothing from Elijah, while at home he and Christine tip-toed around each other, speaking only when the children's activities were involved. The silence left Sean utterly miserable but he forced himself not to pursue either of them. Elijah deserved a chance to think his request over and as for his wife... sighing he crept to the far outside of the bed and was silently grateful that she didn't approach him. Love-making was the last thing on his mind.

The next morning he found a message waiting:

> "I'll see you alone, Sean. But just to talk. NOTHING is going to happen between us."

Surprised, Sean quickly replied:

> "I didn't expect anything, Elijah. I'm just glad you'll talk to me."

There was no further response and Sean sat his phone down with a sigh. "Nothing," he whispered. "Nothing...," his voice trailed off. After a moment he impulsively grabbed the phone again.

> "Elijah, did I treat you that badly?"

And almost at once:

> "No, Seanie. You are the most loving human being I've ever known. But, sadly, that only made it worse for me."

Sean nodded, understanding at once what Elijah meant. The love they shared was like no other. Neither of them had ever felt anything like the all-consuming passion they felt for each other, and Sean knew on a soul-deep level that no matter how much time or distance separated them - that truth would never change. They would always be one. Always.

It wasn't merely sexual. It was a love more profound than any Sean had ever experienced. A need more desperate and unquenchable than he would have believed possible.

Now they rarely saw each other and when they did the forced coolness between them shattered Sean's heart. He knew what Elijah meant. A love that great meant an equally great loss. 

_"What can I give him?"_ Sean agonized. And yet even as he asked the question he knew the answer. Half measures would avail him nothing; Elijah was beyond that now. He would no longer accept merely a portion of Sean's devotion. Either he made a full commitment to their relationship or he walked away forever. No more grey area. It was finally down to the final ruthless choice. Black and white. Yes or no. "Either love him or let him go," Sean whispered.

He knew what he wanted. He'd always known. But a deep and pervasive fear of what people would think of him if he followed his heart had left him paralyzed. Having the approval of others was a need within him as essential as oxygen. He knew the source of his fears, but had never been able to fully face the effect they'd had on his life. Now he stood in silent reflection, gazing back through the years of his life, back to his troubled childhood, back to those times when the terrible consequences of his mother's disapproval had left him broken and sobbing on a dark closet floor.

 _She locked me that closet_ , he thought sadly. _She was ill and couldn't help it._

"I CAN help it," he said out loud. "Yet I've locked myself in that same closet and I'm trapped there. Trapped there by my own fear ."

For awhile he paced restlessly, his thoughts directionless, fighting a growing anxiety. Then he forced himself to sit. "Elijah," he whispered almost desperately. "God, Elijah, I need you."

He glanced at his phone and tentatively reached for it, hesitated, then grabbed it and hurriedly pressed Elijah's speed dial number. 

"Ummm.. that you, Sean?"

"Yeah. Sorry. I really need to talk to you. Do you have a minute?"

"Well I -,"

"Please, Elijah. It's important."

"Seanie, you're going to see me in a couple days. Can't it wait?" 

Sean sighed audibly. " I guess."

"What's wrong?"

"I just _need_ you, Elijah. Need to hear your voice!" His rising panic was audible even to his own ears. "I'm - I'm..."

"Ok. Stop right there," Elijah commanded. 

"Lij.."

"No, Sean. Stop. Just...," he hesitated.... " _stop_."

Sean understood at once. Elijah wasn't saying 'stop talking' or 'stop bothering me'. He was telling Sean to _stop_ the frantic, often erratic, thought processes that carried him, always, to the thin edge of losing himself.

"Stop," Elijah repeated softly. His voice was low and Sean felt everything inside him ease into the slow rhythm of Elijah's voice and breathing. 

"OK," Sean replied. "OK."

"Now take a breath."

Sean drew in a deep breath then let it out.

"Better?" Elijah asked.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Lij."

"For what? It's fine that you called. I just don't want us to get into a 'thing' on the phone when we're going to be together anyway in a couple days. It'll keep. You need to relax. We're alright."

"We are?"

Elijah laughed softly. "C'mon, man. Aren't we always alright?"

"Eventually I guess."

"Well, that's what counts isn't it?"

"Yeah, but it's not exactly the same as...."

"Don't be an ass, Sean. You know it can't be that way anymore."

Sean felt himself slump but forced his voice to casualness. "You know me, I'm always an ass."

"I'm not going to start up with you again, Seanie. I can't."

"I know."

"Listen. It's late. Go to bed. I'll see you this weekend. We'll have a beer and talk about all the stuff that's weighing on that over-active brain of yours."

"OK," Sean said softly. "Lij? Elijah?"

"I'm still here."

"Thank you."

"Again with the being an ass," he replied, laughing. "Bye Seanie."

"I love you, Elijah," Sean blurted.

After a moment Elijah spoke softly: "Love you too."

And the phone went dead in Sean's hands.

The silence between himself and his wife remained firmly in place as he prepared to leave for 'Fantasy Con'. He tried to talk to her but could not convince her to lower her defenses enough to discuss their situation and eventually he gave up. On the morning he left he saw her staring at him from the archway as he kissed his daughters goodbye. Stifling a twinge of guilt, he smiled in her direction. "Bye, Chris. I'll call you when I get in."

She merely nodded and turned away. 

He hesitated, suitcase in hand, but there was nothing he could do at this late date to ease the tension between them and he walked quickly to where the driver was waiting to take him to the airport. 

He tried to gather his thoughts during the short flight to Salt Lake City, but was so torn between feelings of guilt and his excited anticipation about seeing Elijah that finding any kind of inner calm was nearly impossible. He hurriedly checked into the hotel when he arrived and dashed to his room, reaching for his phone to text Elijah before he had even removed his coat.

> "When can we meet?"

> "I'm in 214. Come on up."

Sean drew in a deep breath, staring at the message, so filled with nervous apprehension that for a moment he didn't really see it, then he read it again and snorted a soft laugh. "We're on the same floor!" he said in amazed realization, then glanced toward heaven: "Are you TRYING to kill me?"

After another deep breath he pocketed his room key and ventured out into the hallway. No one was around. Breathing a sigh of relief he quickly found Elijah's room and knocked softly.

He answered so fast that Sean wondered if he'd been standing at the door waiting - and then time stopped.

Elijah was in jeans, of course. Jeans and a navy blue shirt, buttoned right to the top button. But he could have been wearing feathers - or nothing at all - for all Sean cared. All he saw was blue eyes. He was struck numb by the simple fact of Elijah's presence. They hadn't been alone for a very long time, perhaps a year or more. And he now he stood, shaking violently, nearly undone by Elijah's nearness. "Lij," he said in a choked whisper. "Elijah."

Elijah laughed softly and grabbed the front of his shirt, tugging as he stepped backward into the room. "You coming in?"

Sean stumbled forward, following his motion into the room then turned to shut the door. When he turned back Elijah was gazing thoughtfully at him, his hands resting on the back of a chair that was directly behind him.

Sean swallowed hard. "Hi."

"Hi yourself. How you been? Better then when we talked last?" Elijah turned and grabbed a bottle from a nearby dresser. He drank from it then waggled it at Sean.

"What is it?"

"Oh! It's a German beer called Weizen-Eisbock. I really like it. Want one?" He reached into a nearby cooler and took out a bottle which he offered to Sean. "Sit down." He gestured toward the couch.

Sean took the bottle and sat on the couch. Elijah remained standing and after a moment Sean gestured to the seat beside him. "Sit with me?"

Elijah seemed to hesitate. His demeanor since Sean's arrival had been just a bit too casual. A bit too artfully cheerful, and Sean knew him too well to be taken in by this performance. His heart ached with the knowledge that Elijah's act was merely a cloak meant to conceal his fear that he might once again give in to Sean's pleas only to end up with another broken heart. 

"I'm not going to jump you or anything," Sean said softly. 

"Why? Have I lost my appeal?" Elijah teased with a quick grin, moving to take the seat next to Sean. "Seriously, man. How are you? You seemed pretty rattled last time we talked."

"I'm sorry, Lij. I'd just had a scrap with Chris and was feeling a bit... ragged."

"Over anything important?"

Sean turned and gave him a knowing look that could only mean one thing.

Elijah sighed. "It was about me." 

Sean didn't answer, but lifted the bottle to his lips and drank deeply..

"I'm sorry, Sean. I suppose you've told her that she has nothing to worry about."

To his own surprise, Sean heard himself laughing.

"This is funny?" Elijah exclaimed. 

Sean turned toward him. The sense of numbed shock was fading a bit. He, at least, felt a bit more in control and able to look at Elijah without feeling overwhelmed. "Elijah, she DOES have something to worry about."

"No, Seanie. She doesn't. I told you. I'm not..."

"Stop right here," Sean said, interrupting him. "I know you want no part of me." Elijah began to speak but Sean cut him off with an upheld hand. "It's OK, Lij. No one could blame you. Certainly I don't. But to Chris that's not the relevant fact. What's relevant to HER is the fact that my feelings for you are exactly the same as they were in New Zealand."

Elijah glance down at the floor. His hand clutched his beer bottle so tightly that his fingers were white... but for a long moment he said nothing. His cloak of cheerful casualness seemed to slip away and now his beautiful face looked grim and achingly sad. Then he lifted his head and looked at Sean. His voice, when he spoke, was low and trembled with emotion: "I took this gig because I knew you'd be here."

Impulsively, Sean reached out to touch him but Elijah ducked away. "No, man. No. That wasn't an invitation. It was just... a fact... like you said. I meant it that I won't start up again. I can't take it anymore, Seanie. I can't take it when you make a million promises you can't keep then go running home to your family when the guilt gets to be too much, leaving me feeling like eighteen kinds of shit."

Sean nodded. "I know."

"Doesn't change how I feel though," Elijah mumbled.

Sean sighed. "What time does your gig start?"

"I'm _supposed_ to be there around 9:00."

Sean glanced at his watch. "Damn!"

"Yeah, I know. Doesn't give us much time and I'm flying out right after the party."

"Damn!" Sean repeated in a softer voice. 

Elijah sighed. "It's probably a good thing. Spending too much time alone together is... " his voice trailed off.

"Dangerous?" Sean offered with a small smile.

"Yeah. That's the right word."

Tentatively Sean reached out his hand and his fingertips moved in a soft, delicate arc over Elijah's cheekbone. This time Elijah didn't pull away but his face was drawn and his eyes were filled with pain.

"This doesn't help, Sean."

"If I don't touch you I'll go insane," Sean murmured hoarsely.

Elijah nodded his understanding, then glanced away as Sean withdrew his hand. "You should go," he whispered. "Seanie, you really should go. I shouldn't even have agreed to this meeting."

"I can't go on like this, Elijah."

"Sean, that's what you ALWAYS say when you want us to start up again. Always. Then you get your dose of being with me and off you go again."

"Please let me stay a little longer."

Elijah bit his lip and lowered his gaze, but not before Sean had seen the blue eyes he adored go shiny with tears.

"Please," Sean whispered pleadingly. How could he _not_ love this man? This man whose whole being glowed with a sweetness of spirit that had never been equaled in Sean's experience. This man whose stunning external beauty was but the merest fraction of the beauty that shone within him. How could anyone not love this man and want his love in return? And that love, once experienced, how could it be surrendered? The answer was simple. It couldn't be.

"Please," he whispered again and with a deepening sense of joy he saw the fear and resistance in Elijah's eyes change to welcome and abiding love.

No matter how complicated it became, no matter how much pain and guilt he suffered because of it, there was no taking it back. This love was deathless. Eternal as the stars and a thousand times more beautiful. It wasn't that Sean wouldn't let him go, and that's what Christine didn't understand. He _couldn't_ let him go. It simply wasn't possible to stop loving Elijah.

He set his beer aside, then took Elijah's from his hand and sat it next to his own. Tentatively he reached for Elijah, drawing him close to his side, his arm about Elijah's shoulders. "Like this," Sean whispered. "Just sit with me like this and talk. I won't ask for more... not now. Not tonight."

He felt Elijah relax, trembling, against his side, melting them into the sacred one spirit they had always transformed into when their bodies were close. He kissed Elijah's hair. "Too short," he murmured and heard a soft laugh in response.

"What time is your gig?"

"Fuck the gig," Elijah murmured, turning his face into Sean's shoulder. "If I'm late.. I'm late."

And so they sat, talking quietly of their lives, talking quietly of their love. Knowing that this precious interlude which they had both longed for would not be repeated for a long, long time. That's how it was. That's how it had to be. Not because their love was capricious, but because it was as enduring the towering New Zealand mountains that had born witness to their first hesitant embrace.

And when Sean left, he kissed the one he loved and held him close, savoring the moment, savoring the feeling of Elijah's lips against his own before life forced him to, once again, surrender this love that was all his heart and soul.

Elijah didn't explain why he was late when he finally arrived to DJ the 'Fantasy Con' party. He knew Sean wouldn't be there. They had agreed to that. Elijah had no desire to add to Sean's grief by flaunting a photo showing any kind of affectionate demonstration between them and they both knew that they couldn't trust themselves to keep their feelings in check. A public meeting wasn't possible... not that night. 

Sean returned to his room and tried to prepare himself for a weekend which would be steeped in denial and pretense. He would smile. He would act the part. But the truest part of who he was would be elsewhere, held fast in the light of Elijah Wood's love. He would try not to hurt Christine. He would try to be a good husband for the time remaining to them. But he knew now that his marriage would not - could not - last much longer. He had spent a lifetime pleasing others and seeking their approval. But now he had come to that life-changing moment when he had to, at last, be true to himself.

And so once again they went their separate ways. But in a deeper sense they knew they weren't parted at all. Their time together had simply served to renew the bond between them. The bond that never broke, never wavered, never stretched thin. The bond that would ever hold them close in spirit, bound by a love that they knew would be at the center of their hearts... forever.


End file.
